Hitting the Big Hairy Plot Point
by GraveDigger Resurrection
Summary: Set during PoA, while shuttling Harry to the Leaky Cauldron, the Knight Bus runs into an important plot point. Literaly. oops!


**Title: **Hitting the Big Hairy Plot Point

**Rating:**PG-13

**Categories:** Humory/Parody.

**Summary:** During PoA, the Knight Bus runs into a rather important part of the story. Literally.

**Author's Note:** My first attempt at HP humor, so humor me. Rather than flame, go suck a dragon egg. All nice/constructive views are welcome and begged for.

* * *

**Nrrtr: **The scene is set during Prisoner of Azkaban, as Harry flees from the law after blowing up his Aunt. While on the bus, Harry, known as Neville to the Pimply-faced Stan, cannot avoid questions posed. It is not long after he has gotten on the bus, that the first hard question is asked.

**Stan: **So, Neville, why are you leaving in the middle of the night under such mysterious circumstances? It leaves the reader to believe you may not be capable of standing your ground when the need arises.

**Harry: **_::stares at Stan:_ ........

**Stan:** 'Choo lookin' at?

**Harry:** er...You?

**Stan:** Well you OUGHT to be lookin' at that great ugly balloon floatin' through the sky up there. Oy, look, it's wavin' a' us! An' I think it's got a leak, listen to that awful wailing noise...

**Harry:** AUNT MARGE!

**Ernie:** _::looks up from Road excitedly:: _Margie? Oh my dear Margie? Where is she?

**Nrttr:** As one would expect, a distracted driver leads to unfortunate circumstances.

_THUMP! BUMP!_

**Shrunken head:** Ahh, damnit, what did you hit THIS time?

**Ernie:** Bugger off, you dis-embodied brain. Stan, go see what I hit...er, this time. I'm going to go, er...look at the lovely balloon ::dashes outside:: Margie! Wait for me, love!

**Nrrtr: **Stan diligently goes outside, accompanied by Harry/Neville.

**Stan:** _::scratches head::_ Well...whatever it was, it's dead.

**Nrrtr: **Harry crouches down to examine the black, furry object now squashed into a lovely little pancake under the back tire. He catches a quick glimpse of dog tags.

**Harry:** Oh hell!

**Stan:** 'Choo yellin' for?

**Harry:** I think we ought to call JK Rowling and get her down here.

**Stan:** 'Choo want me to do that for?

**Harry:** 'Cause I think Ernie just hit a great big hairy plot point.

**Stan:** 're you serious?

**Harry:**_ ::shakes head and points at black, very dead object::_ No, THAT'S Sirius. Or...it WAS...

**Stan:** Oops.

**Harry:** Yeah.

**Stan: **You think we ought to go get Ernie and tell 'im about this?

**Ernie:** _::wailing in background::_ Margie! MARGIE COME BACK! WE CAN MAKE IT WORK, I PROMISE!

**Harry:** Eh...let's just leave him be.

**Stan:** Hopin' you'd say that.

**Nrrtr**: While Harry frets over his now pending contract for the next 2 books, Stan goes to retrieve the Creator.

**Stan:** Eh, Miss. Rowling?

**JKR:**_ ::Yawns tiredly:: _IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE BLEEDING NIGHT! What in the bloody hell do you WANT?

**Stan: **Er...well, you know that black dog Neville was lookin at? Well, Ernie sorta took 'is eyes off the road for a second and...

**JKR:** Oh hell!

Stan: That's what Neville said!

**JKR:** I'll bet he did. Greedy little bastard, probably whining to his agent right now. HE wants a secure contract? I'll GIVE him a secure contract! I'll secure it right in his-

**Nrrtr:** Er..right. They arrive back upon the scene, to find Harry in deep conversation with someone via cellphone.

**Harry:** Damnit, Johnston, I'm not kidding! If I lose my contract over this whole bleeding mess, you'll be floating right up there with Marge! I- _::Sees JKR and Stan, and hangs up hurriedly:: _Oh, M-Miss Rowling, I'm so glad you're here!

**JKR:** Yeah, I'll bet. _::Goes over to examine the mess under the back tire::_

**Harry:** ...well?...

**JKR:** Yup, it's Sirius all right.

**Stan:** How serious?

**Harry: **VERY serious! That was Sirius!

**Stan:** _::looks more confused and dimwitted than usual:: _Well, you don't have to repeat yourself...

**Harry: **This is awful! _::eyes narrow::_ You did this on purpose, didn't you, Rowling? Just because I want a little more money in my pocket.

**JKR:** Hey, chum, I lose profits out of this too! This wrecks everything!

**Stan:** _::nods:: _yeah, the Knight bus is gonna take a while to repair.

**Harry: **Shut up, you acne-plagued moron!_ ::Continues over Stan's sobbing::_ What are we going to do?

**JKR:**_ ::Shrugs::_ I dunno.

**Harry:** What the hell do you MEAN you don't know?! You're the bloody AUTHOR!

**JKR:** Nope. SHE is. _::points up at Me.:: _And anyway, I lost all my notes...

**Harry: **you...lost..?

**JRK:** Yup. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. After book four It's obvious I'm just winging it as I go along.

**Harry: **Well, you're right. Book five DID suck...

**JKR:** Oh, I dunno, I rather enjoyed writing you as a snotty teenager and letting Umbridge be evil to you.

**Harry:** I DID think she was an exact image of you.

**JKR:** No, actually, I wrote trevor as the characterization of myself.

**Harry and Stan:** ....

**JKR:** Er...anyway, it doesn't really change much, does it? I mean, he dies anyway, right?

**Harry:** _::Blinks:: _Well...I guess...

**Ernie:** MARGE! MY SWEET MARGIE! I SHALL CAPTURE YOU WITH MY MAGIC!_ ::Pulls out wand::_

**JKR:** HEY! That's not in the plot!

**Harry: **Yeah well, neither was THAT _::points to hairy mush under bus::_

**JKR:** true....

**Ernie:** MAAAAAAAARRRGGGGEEEE!

**JKR:** Well, to hell with the plot, it's still bloody annoying! OY YOU, GET OVER HERE!

**Ernie:** Oh, hullo Miss Rowling! What can I do for you?

**JKR:** Besides jumping off a bridge? There is ONE plot point still manageable, and it is the only really important one anyway. I just like giving everyone headaches with my false Red-Herrings and long-winded write-outs. So, if you'll just get that bus off that ex-plot point there, I'll see what can be done.

**Nrttr:** Ernie does as he is bidden, and JRK immediately goes over to examine the messy remains of Padfoot.

**JKR:** Damn! It's as I feared! _::Picks up the mangled mashed collar of Sirius from the heap:: _IT's hopeless!

**Harry: **Get a grip, Rowling, it's just a collar!

**JKR:** NOOOO! You don't understand! It's not just A collar, it's THE collar! The Collar of the Grim! Harry Potter and the Collar of the Grim was the title for the seventh book! And now it's all ruined.

**Harry:** Er...Harry Potter and...the Collar of...The Grim?

**JKR:** _::nods tearfully::_ This was how you were supposed to defeat HIM harry! THIS! :_:shakes collar::_

**Harry:** Er...with...a collar?

**JKR: **YES! You were supposed to get dogtags with his name on it, and put it around his neck while he was sleeping, thereby binding him to you and making him your personal love-slave for all eternity!

**Ernie:** Loveslave? Where?

**Harry: **Er...well, I always thought it had something to do with the power of love, but...THAT isn't quite what I expected.

**JKR:** Yes, Harry, that was to be his fate! I had hoped my BS about the prophecy would throw you all off, but now it looks as though there's nothing to be thrown off OF!

**Nrttr:** Harry, seeing the hopelessness of the situation, sits down on the ground and begins to sob.

**Harry:** No! No! My career! My Money! IM TOO YOUNG TO BE OVER! I'M TOO GOOD LOOKING!

**Nrttr:** And suddenly, triumphant music plays, and none other than Mark Evans enters the scene, a whistling teapot in his hand.

**JKR: **HEY! NO! This is out of order! It goes against my plot!

**Stan: **What plot?

**JKR:** Oh...right. Hello Mark!

**Mark:** Be silent you nasty evil vile witch! You have made my Great-Nephew cry!

**Harry: **Eh..Great Nephew?

**Mark: **_::smiles a sweet old lady smile::_ yes dear, I have been hidden from you for all these years for reasons unknown but surely vital to the now non-existent plot, up on my Pillar of Storgé. But now, seeing you in such pain, I have returned to your life and the story, bringing with me the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk! Drink now, my young sweet child! Drink of its essence and join me as the Half-Blood-Princess!

**Harry:** I think you may have the wrong story...

**Mark:** _::shakes head emphatically:: _NO! NO! I was told by the Creator that it would be thus!

**JKR:** Mark, you idiot! I scrapped that idea MONTHS ago!

**Mark:** You...what? WHY?

**JKR: **Well, first, my damn readers got too damn observant for ANYONE'S own damn good, and they noticed you. And then, In explaining that you were a nobody, in hopes they would be fooled by my girlish charms and humor, I accidentally gave away your TRUE purpose.

**Mark:** Even about my tea kettle?

**JKR:** Yeah, uh, sorry 'bout that. So anyway, you've been written out, kid.

**Stan:** You really DO wing this, don't you?

**JKR:** Well, yeah, but it looks like I'm flightless now. That whole love-slave idea was plan Z, and now I dunno WHAT the hell I'll do.

**Harry:** 't we just go with the love idea, MINUS the whole, uhm, Voldemort-is-my-personal-WHore bit? I mean, I could destroy him with...uh, my love for my dead and beloved Godfather, or something.

**JKR:**_ ::eyes gleam maniacally:: _Yes...yes...it just might work.

**Mark:** There's one slight problem, I think.

**JKR and Harry: **What?

**Mark: **The Beloved Godfather is already DEAD. If he dies before Harry meets him, won't that uh...not work?

**JKR:** Shit.

**Harry:** Now, wait a second...I think...I may have it...

**JKR: **YES?

**Harry:** _::stares creepily at Mark::_ You look like you could bark convincingly.

**JKR:**_::Thinks for a moment:: _Hmm...yes, and I could write you as being a few years older and an animagus who looks like a grim. But...that will take a lot of work...

**Harry: **Or, you could just ignore the ridiculous implausibility of his age, and_ ::digs in robes::_ here's Dudley's old halloween costume! He was a wolf.

**JKR:** That works. _::turns to Mark::_ Markie, oh, MARKIE, my dear boy, I need to speak with you.

**Mark: **Oh no! I'M not wearin' that thing! DUDLEY wore it! That has to be a warrant for the HAZMAT team to come!

**JKR: **You've just been written back into the plot m'boy...

**Mark: **NOOOOOO!!!!!!

**Nrttr: **As Mark Is beaten, er, uhm, COAXED into submission by the Creator, Harry turns to Ernie and Stan.

**Harry:** Well, what are you waiting for?

**Stan:**Er, I dunno. What ARE we waiting for?

**Harry:**_ ::claps hands together::_ TO THE BUS, my boys! Further hairy plot points await!

**Stan:** _::climbing back onto bus::_ But aren't they all technically Harry plot points? After all, the series is Harry Potter and the...

**Harry:** On second thought, Stan, you stay here. With any luck, a mugger will kill you.

**Stan:** _::smiles jovially:: _Right! Well, off you go then!_ ::Waves::_ G'bye, Neville! Have a nice trip!_ ::Walks off stage as Knight Bus disappears::_

**JKR: **_::checks watch::_ 2:30? I have an interview tomorrow! Well, glad everything's been worked out, I'm off to bed._ ::Exits left stage::_

**Nrttr:** In the dark of night, on the quiet little street known as Magnolia Crescent, a Great-Aunt/ten-year-old muggle/Godfather waits in his limp, bedraggled wolf suit, breathing in 'Odor de Dudley'. Only a dark muttering can be heard from his slightly-menacing-mostly-amusing figure.

**Mark:** I hate these effing fanfictions...

_**END**_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This story was based on a recent Captions Contest Winner from , and a response to a FAQ on Following is the caption and the response.

CAPTION:

Harry: Umm, I think we need to talk to J.K. Rowling...  
Stan: Why?  
Harry: Because we just hit a great big black hairy plot point!  
-BriStar

RESPONSE:

_**What is the significance, if any, of Mark Evans?**_

_I couldn't answer the poll question before now, because I've been making arrangements to take my family into hiding. It takes time to arrange fake passports, one-way air tickets to Bolivia and twenty-four hour armed security.  
  
Why should I resort to such desperate measures? Because after you've heard this answer, I'll have to disappear for my own safety.  
  
Now before I get down to it (you can guess what's coming, can't you?) I am going to put up a feeble pre-emptive defence. Firstly, you were all spinning highly ingenious theories about Mark Evans, so I thought that you would welcome the chance to hear the truth about him. Secondly, I tried hard not to raise hopes or expectations by adding the crucial words 'if any' to the question. Thirdly... there is no thirdly. I'm just killing time.  
  
(Takes deep breath)  
  
Mark Evans is... nobody. He's nobody in the sense that Mr. Prentice, Madam Marsh and Gordon-Dudley's-gang-member are nobodies, just background people who need names, but who have no role other than the walk-on parts assigned to them.  
(Checks that Neil has immunized the dog and that Jessica has packed her Gameboy, and continues)  
  
I've got nobody to blame but myself. Sirius Black, Mrs. Figg and Mundungus Fletcher were all mentioned in passing well before they burst onto the stage as fully-fledged characters, so now you've all become too clever, not for your own good, but for mine. The fact is that once you drew my attention to it, I realised that Mark Evans did indeed look like one of those 'here he is, just a casual passer-by, nothing to worry about, bet you barely noticed him' characters who would suddenly become, half way through book seven, 'Ha ha! Yes, Mark Evans is back, suckers, and he's the key to everything! He's the Half Blood Prince, he's Harry's Great-Aunt, he's the Heir of Gryffindor, he lives up the Pillar of Storgé and he owns the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!' (Possible title of book seven there, must make a note of it).  
  
Then why – WHY – (I hear you cry) – did I give him the surname "Evans"? Well, believe me, you can't regret it more than I do right now. "Evans" is a common name; I didn't give it much thought; I wasn't even trying to set up another red herring. I could just as easily have called him 'Smith' or 'Jones' (or 'Black' or 'Thomas' or 'Brown', all of which would have got me into trouble too).  
  
What else can I say? Many of the theories you presented were highly plausible. If you knew how often I've checked the FAQ poll hoping that one of the other questions might edge into the lead...  
  
Well, that's that. The car with false license plates is at the door and I've got to glue on my goatee. Goodbye._

* * *

Right, that's out of my system. So, lemme explain something to you about that little button under this typing. Hamburger:You eat it. Button:You click it. Peace, and thanks for reading.


End file.
